Thursday, February 15, 2018

I used to be a very carefree and relatively happy person. At times I still am. My kids make me happy and we have fun, but then there are negative things in my life. I seem to always keep my guard up, because I never know what’s around the corner. Just when I think there’s a little glimmer of hope or that ray of sunshine, a storm cloud rolls right on in. 

I try to be an optimistic person. Always have been, but it’s really hard now in my current situation. I am really stuck with everything and sometimes my brain doesn’t know what to do. I look at all my diplomas on the wall and they are just a piece of paper. For which I still owe  $20,000. This high IQ earned me 3 displomas and debt. And now since MS has literally taken over, I am now permanently disabled. I have been this for years, but just received this label. I really don’t like to call it a label, but that’s what it is. 

Yesterday was my anniversary. It was the usual fancy dinner I enjoy once a year. But things were off all night. I won’t go into details. As soon as we get home I walked into the bathroom, because it’s a long ride home. Then I hear yelling at our kids or rather our teenage daughter. So I’m changing and again I hear “why is there mail on my bed.” Omg seriously the kids put it there so they don’t get yelled at by you. Then I am berated and belittled and the past is brought up over something a very long time ago. Why???? we were just out on our anniversary date. So I just laid down. He says that I “ruined” his night. I said you were yelling at our kids and saying all these things about the past you shouldn’t have brought up. And he says “I wasn’t yelling and there shouldn’t have been mail on the bed.” Are you freaking kidding me? So because there is mail on the bed, gives you the right to yell at everyone and say these things? Really, what kind of person are you? I am really starting to question that. Everytime I hear I’m sorry I know it doesn’t mean a damn thing, because you will say and do it all over again. We had a conversation the other day. You say, I’ve been trying to change and I’m changing not for you, but for myself. I’m thinking to myself, what have you changed? Our children love it when you are gone. They feel relief and have even voiced it to me. The little one doesn’t know what to do. She’s excited to see you and then you scare her. She spends all her time with me even when you are home. That should tell you something. Like hey,  my kids don’t want to be around me maybe I need to change something. 

I know I’m not a perfect person, far from it. Somehow I just pictured my life so much better than this. My papa always told me not to let a man push me around. I try not to let you ,but you’re smooth sometimes. You like to use your size as intimidation, because you know my body is weak now. Papa always liked you when you were a teenager. If he could see you now he would whoop your ass. I wish he were still here. 

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Sickness

I took my little one to the Dr. yesterday and she tested negative for the flu. She had a virus and should be gone in 48 hours. Same as my 12 year old. Told she could go back to school this morning. She was feeling fine last night and this morning. I got a text from one of the moms, who’s a helper in the class, that her tummy was hurting. I picked her up after school (prek is half day here) and she won’t eat lunch. All she wants is sprite. She won’t even eat the crackers I offer. I guess it’s back to the doctor we go, if she’s not better in the morning. She’s sad she might miss basketball practice tonight. I wish this would just go away. I hate when my babies are sick. It’s different when it’s me. I’m out of Lysol again. Forgot it at the store last night. UGH!!! 

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Flu Battles

This week has been another hectic week. My 12 year old got sick. I took her to the doctor and they said she had a virus, not the flu. She needed to stay home until her fever went down. So no basketball practice or anything all week. She went back to school Thursday. Her birthday was Friday and we gave her a phone. We’ve been holding out for awhile, but there’s so many things going on now. Anyway, she feels better now. 

We go to church this morning and on the way home my 5 year old projectile pukes everywhere. I’m yelling at the other two to get the plastic bags in the back. She keeps puking everywhere and also in the bag. We get home and I’m getting things out of the car. My girls are like “hey we need to have the car detailed now.” My husband pops off “no, that’s costs $50.” Seriously???? If it was your precious piece of plastic over there, you would be on your way to get it detailed. 

I get the things out of the car. Apparently the girls had thrown their jackets on the floor and it got on those instead of the floor. Awesome, because I can throw those in the wash machine. So I grab those and take the dress of my daughter and throw everything in the washer. I had to take the car seat  and everything out. I go change clothes and as I’m doing this I’m being screamed at because, well going to get cleaning supplies is to damn hard. 

While he’s gone I do two loads of damn laundry, fold sheets, clothes, and put them up. My oldest puts my daughter in the bath and then we get her in bed. He comes back and begins his process of screaming at me again. Because apparently I haven’t done enough while he’s been gone. Oh and I spoil our kids. I’m sorry, but just because I don’t hit them and scream at them like you do, doesn’t mean I “spoil” them. Oh and maybe if you didn’t do that they might actually like you. But you know you do you. I’ll keep taking care of MY kids because that’s what I do. 
 

Monday, January 22, 2018

Weekend Fun

The girls and I were up bright and early Saturday morning for a basketball game. My baby, who is now 5, is playing on her first team. We are about halfway through the season now. We decided to stop and get donuts before the game because hey sugar right? Anytime we give her sugar she goes wild. Yeah nope didn’t work. Instead of dribbling the ball she walked with it. Usually she’s the one stealing the ball. She did a few times, but then grew tired of that. She was mad because the ref told her she had to dribble the ball. Her team did win the game though. She was excited. 

We played basketball outside that afternoon and she kept walking with the ball. It’s like she’s just so excited she forgets. So we just tell her every time to dribble. Then my 12  year old is being rough and stealing the ball. So the 5 year old is crying and hitting. They are beating each other up over the ball. Then the neighbor kid comes over and the little one is playing with him, so fighting over. My 19 year old almost got the ball stuck on top of the house. Now the ball looks funny. 

Sunday, we played basketball again. The girls are fighting as usual. The little one doesn’t want anyone coming around her when she has the ball. She is actually dribbling the ball around. I don’t know what her deal is. My husband is home today so he’s ‘directing’ her. Then I go to shoot, my husband blocks it, and I get nailed in the face with the ball. My face was red and he starts looking at the ball. Sees where the ball is messed up. Lol oops 

So this morning I get up, I think my face won’t be red. The redness is gone, but I have an imprint on my nose from the basketball. A stupid red basketball imprint on the side of my nose. Seriously! 

But on a serious note Friday I was starting to feel better from the stomach flu. Wasn’t eating much or didn’t really until this weekend. I was out doing a little playing with the kids and such. Feeling much better. MS can make you feel like crap. You have your good and bad days, but when you have something else thrown in with it... it’s tenfold. 

Monday, January 15, 2018

Opinions

You know I love when people ask me for my opinion. Then I calmly try to tell them what I think and they get very angry. Why are you getting angry? You asked for my opinion. I didn’t yell at you, also didn’t talk down to you, so why are you mad? Again, I can only answer you from my point of view and my experience with the situation, however that was enough. Apparently, I wounded a mans pride because I gave my opinion. THAT HE asked for! Bunch of horse hockey! 

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Invisible

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My life is just passing me by. I hate this disease. Literally hate this disease. My legs don't cooperate half the time and yet I'm yelled at to try and get a job. But how am I supposed to do that when I can't get out of bed half the time? I don't think anyone understands. I'm just invisible to everyone because no one gives a shit. When someone has a disease like this you become a burden. Sometimes I just wish I would've gotten cancer and died already. Because I can't keep doing this. No ones cares. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

New IPhone

So I got the new IPhone on New Years Day. I've had my old phone for 3 years. It still worked fine, but my husband dropped his and broke it the day before. I don't like spending money on phones so I keep them a long time. So I get this new thing and it's so big I can barely put both my hands around it. Every time I push the home button Siri comes on. Like really I'm just trying to get off an app shut the FUCK up!!!! It took me almost a week just to log into all my shit. Then I'm trying to log into blogger and it's telling me I don't have a damn account. So I logged in on the computer and it comes up. WTH!!!!! I hate this damn thing!!! The world would be so much better if we just had flip phones again. SMH... or no cell phones at all.