I used to be a very carefree and relatively happy person. At times I still am. My kids make me happy and we have fun, but then there are negative things in my life. I seem to always keep my guard up, because I never know what’s around the corner. Just when I think there’s a little glimmer of hope or that ray of sunshine, a storm cloud rolls right on in. 

I try to be an optimistic person. Always have been, but it’s really hard now in my current situation. I am really stuck with everything and sometimes my brain doesn’t know what to do. I look at all my diplomas on the wall and they are just a piece of paper. For which I still owe  $20,000. This high IQ earned me 3 displomas and debt. And now since MS has literally taken over, I am now permanently disabled. I have been this for years, but just received this label. I really don’t like to call it a label, but that’s what it is. 

Yesterday was my anniversary. It was the usual fancy dinner I enjoy once a year. But things were off all night. I won’t go into details. As soon as we get home I walked into the bathroom, because it’s a long ride home. Then I hear yelling at our kids or rather our teenage daughter. So I’m changing and again I hear “why is there mail on my bed.” Omg seriously the kids put it there so they don’t get yelled at by you. Then I am berated and belittled and the past is brought up over something a very long time ago. Why???? we were just out on our anniversary date. So I just laid down. He says that I “ruined” his night. I said you were yelling at our kids and saying all these things about the past you shouldn’t have brought up. And he says “I wasn’t yelling and there shouldn’t have been mail on the bed.” Are you freaking kidding me? So because there is mail on the bed, gives you the right to yell at everyone and say these things? Really, what kind of person are you? I am really starting to question that. Everytime I hear I’m sorry I know it doesn’t mean a damn thing, because you will say and do it all over again. We had a conversation the other day. You say, I’ve been trying to change and I’m changing not for you, but for myself. I’m thinking to myself, what have you changed? Our children love it when you are gone. They feel relief and have even voiced it to me. The little one doesn’t know what to do. She’s excited to see you and then you scare her. She spends all her time with me even when you are home. That should tell you something. Like hey,  my kids don’t want to be around me maybe I need to change something. 

I know I’m not a perfect person, far from it. Somehow I just pictured my life so much better than this. My papa always told me not to let a man push me around. I try not to let you ,but you’re smooth sometimes. You like to use your size as intimidation, because you know my body is weak now. Papa always liked you when you were a teenager. If he could see you now he would whoop your ass. I wish he were still here.