Long Battle

So I guess my long battle with fighting for disability has finally come to a close. I won my case and I’m getting paid. It’s a little surreal. Nothing compared to my salary, but it’s money coming in. 

I’ve worked since I was 15- technically 14 but, that was only babysitting. My first real job was at 15. I’ve worked ever since. I had no choice, because when I was a kid things were different. Sometimes I liked to eat food and there wasn’t any at home. I also wanted a car and I had to buy it. With a car come little ups and downs along with insurance and gas. Luckily my grandparents helped me with the insurance. They were the ones I could count on. 

After I got married and divorced. I put myself through college. Associates and Bachelors paid for,  but I couldn’t afford the tuition for a Masters degree. So, I did what I shouldn’t have done and took out student loans, but only enough for tuition. 

I got married again and that hasn’t turned out so great either. But when I was diagnosed with MS I became an “unlovable” wife. I’m flawed now because I have this disease that won’t go away. That’s because he chooses that. 

So fast forward to last night. I’m trying to pay a few things and he’s telling me what I should do with my money. Oh and my favorite “ I’ll jack it all up.” So let me get this straight I’m going to mess something up? You’ve never paid one bill since we’ve been married the last 15 years  and probably wouldn’t know how to. Oh, but I’m going to jack it all up??? Yeah right. Bite my ass. 

Another of my favorites. “What you’re being paid is a piss in the bucket . You could be out there making 4 times as much.” Did I miss the part somewhere that I got really sick and had to quit my job due to ms and a spinal injury? Oh and  apparently I don’t like myself as well. 

Just watching him talk is exhausting. I had to walk away. It is mentally draining, I just can’t do it. You know when there’s a little knat in your ear and it won’t stop. That’s him. Mr. Narcissist. He’s a real winner. 

Something New

I had a brain and spinal MRI last Friday. This was a repeat  due to the fact I had a relapse back in September.  RRMS is very tricky sometimes. You could be fine one minute and feel like crap the next. So in September apparently I had formed new lesions on the spinal cord and they were active. This is what was causing me to relapse. The repeat shows all lesions are no longer active. However, there is no way to tell if those lesions were there when I was diagnosed in 2011 or not. I was told technology is much better now and we can see much more than we could then. They had not checked the spinal column since my diagnosis,  because they normally focus on the brain. 

I am stable on the Tecfidera and have no side effects. There is a new medication they have suggested called Ocrevus. It’s an injection once every 6 months that takes 4 hours to receive. With Tecfidera I take it twice daily. However, I have to be put through a battery of tests, including a breast exam (mammogram). The breast exam will then have to be done every year while I’m on the medication. I don’t have breast cancer in my family. I’ve only had an exam at my yearly OBGYN appointment. I’m leaning towards just staying on Tecfidera for now. 

My Vitamin D has also been consistently low for the past year. They raised the dosage I take and it hasn’t helped. So now I’m taking 50,000 units once a week until it’s where they feel it should be. 

I’m so tired of pills. I hate taking them, looking at them, thinking about them, and having to take them morning, noon, and night. It is a very daunting task at any age, but especially someone as young as I am. My age says I’m relatively young, my insides scream something else. My body fights itself to live and I’m just off on the sidelines watching. I need and want to be back in the game. 

Snow Days

If these damn kids do not go outside tomorrow I’m going to loose my ever loving mind. Today was a snow day and because of excessive snow, sleet, and ice tomorrow is as well. The whole state of Oklahoma is closed down. When I mean whole state I mean, The military bases, the airports, all schools, churches, daycares, and other main businesses. Even roads have been shut down due to ice. Some people are even without power because of ice forming on the power lines. All I know is when those two hooligans wake up in the morning it’s play time. I don’t care how many layers you have to put on. You are going OUTSIDE!!!!!!! 

Little Mermaid Ballet

I believe I talked about Wednesday and it being really crazy. Thursday was going pretty good until I get a phone from my oldest daughter. She’s crying hysterically saying her boss has fired her. I’m in the park and kids are screaming and she’s crying. I think she ate a bunch of chocolate that night. 

So Friday we had tickets to see the Little Mermaid Ballet. I had bought them a month earlier and we had been really looking forward to this. I’ve never taken my girls before because they have never expressed any interest. I go at least a couple times a year, (I would like to go more) but it’s just not in the budget. After Act1 they were telling me how much they liked it and wanted to come again. They both were looking in the program and found a musical next month. Tickets are relatively cheap $35 so I’ll see if I can swing it. So Anyhow, at the end of Act2 these dancers come out, holding a young little “mermaid” Ariel,  and hold her up to the light. It’s like a bright light from the heavens that shines down into the ocean. The ballet is over and everyone is clapping. Both of my girls are like “what was that for?” They are both yapping in my ear. I’m like “girls it’s just symbolic. She was a young Mermaid in the ocean and now she’s on land Married to the Prince.” I guess that one thing at the end tripped them up because it wasn’t like the story. We will have to come to more things. 

On the way home we stopped at the Pinkitzel Cupcakes and Candy Shop. We were down in Bricktown and we very rarely go down there. So we got some candy and picked out some cupcakes. We picked one out for my husband, because if we don’t bring him something we will get yelled at. So we had lots of fun playing at the candy shop. We get home and Eden is asleep and we put her candy and sweets up. We showed my husband his cupcake and he literally flies off the handle. This time about how he doesn’t need to be eating sweets and how dare we bring home some 800 calorie cupcake. Oh I’m soooooo sorry we thought of you. If we wouldn’t have brought you anything you would have thrown a fit as well. The girls went to their rooms and I put my headphones in and watched a movie on the iPad. I mean really how dare he? We didn’t have to bring you anything. 

The next day we had 3 basketball games. After the first one we got the cupcakes down. I ate some of the frosting and it wasn’t that sweet. I wanted the cake though. I tore it apart and it had chocolate sauce inside it. I’m like really? My cupcake is ruined. In the trash you go. I hate filling in donuts and cupcakes. Especially on cupcakes,  because there’s enough frosting on the top. We all ended up throwing ours away. That was a waste of $3.75 per cupcake! They do have an awesome candy and taffy selection though. I believe every piece of candy we bought was consumed lol.

I used to be a very carefree and relatively happy person. At times I still am. My kids make me happy and we have fun, but then there are negative things in my life. I seem to always keep my guard up, because I never know what’s around the corner. Just when I think there’s a little glimmer of hope or that ray of sunshine, a storm cloud rolls right on in. 

I try to be an optimistic person. Always have been, but it’s really hard now in my current situation. I am really stuck with everything and sometimes my brain doesn’t know what to do. I look at all my diplomas on the wall and they are just a piece of paper. For which I still owe  $20,000. This high IQ earned me 3 displomas and debt. And now since MS has literally taken over, I am now permanently disabled. I have been this for years, but just received this label. I really don’t like to call it a label, but that’s what it is. 

Yesterday was my anniversary. It was the usual fancy dinner I enjoy once a year. But things were off all night. I won’t go into details. As soon as we get home I walked into the bathroom, because it’s a long ride home. Then I hear yelling at our kids or rather our teenage daughter. So I’m changing and again I hear “why is there mail on my bed.” Omg seriously the kids put it there so they don’t get yelled at by you. Then I am berated and belittled and the past is brought up over something a very long time ago. Why???? we were just out on our anniversary date. So I just laid down. He says that I “ruined” his night. I said you were yelling at our kids and saying all these things about the past you shouldn’t have brought up. And he says “I wasn’t yelling and there shouldn’t have been mail on the bed.” Are you freaking kidding me? So because there is mail on the bed, gives you the right to yell at everyone and say these things? Really, what kind of person are you? I am really starting to question that. Everytime I hear I’m sorry I know it doesn’t mean a damn thing, because you will say and do it all over again. We had a conversation the other day. You say, I’ve been trying to change and I’m changing not for you, but for myself. I’m thinking to myself, what have you changed? Our children love it when you are gone. They feel relief and have even voiced it to me. The little one doesn’t know what to do. She’s excited to see you and then you scare her. She spends all her time with me even when you are home. That should tell you something. Like hey,  my kids don’t want to be around me maybe I need to change something. 

I know I’m not a perfect person, far from it. Somehow I just pictured my life so much better than this. My papa always told me not to let a man push me around. I try not to let you ,but you’re smooth sometimes. You like to use your size as intimidation, because you know my body is weak now. Papa always liked you when you were a teenager. If he could see you now he would whoop your ass. I wish he were still here. 

Sickness

I took my little one to the Dr. yesterday and she tested negative for the flu. She had a virus and should be gone in 48 hours. Same as my 12 year old. Told she could go back to school this morning. She was feeling fine last night and this morning. I got a text from one of the moms, who’s a helper in the class, that her tummy was hurting. I picked her up after school (prek is half day here) and she won’t eat lunch. All she wants is sprite. She won’t even eat the crackers I offer. I guess it’s back to the doctor we go, if she’s not better in the morning. She’s sad she might miss basketball practice tonight. I wish this would just go away. I hate when my babies are sick. It’s different when it’s me. I’m out of Lysol again. Forgot it at the store last night. UGH!!! 

Flu Battles

This week has been another hectic week. My 12 year old got sick. I took her to the doctor and they said she had a virus, not the flu. She needed to stay home until her fever went down. So no basketball practice or anything all week. She went back to school Thursday. Her birthday was Friday and we gave her a phone. We’ve been holding out for awhile, but there’s so many things going on now. Anyway, she feels better now. 

We go to church this morning and on the way home my 5 year old projectile pukes everywhere. I’m yelling at the other two to get the plastic bags in the back. She keeps puking everywhere and also in the bag. We get home and I’m getting things out of the car. My girls are like “hey we need to have the car detailed now.” My husband pops off “no, that’s costs $50.” Seriously???? If it was your precious piece of plastic over there, you would be on your way to get it detailed. 

I get the things out of the car. Apparently the girls had thrown their jackets on the floor and it got on those instead of the floor. Awesome, because I can throw those in the wash machine. So I grab those and take the dress of my daughter and throw everything in the washer. I had to take the car seat  and everything out. I go change clothes and as I’m doing this I’m being screamed at because, well going to get cleaning supplies is to damn hard. 

While he’s gone I do two loads of damn laundry, fold sheets, clothes, and put them up. My oldest puts my daughter in the bath and then we get her in bed. He comes back and begins his process of screaming at me again. Because apparently I haven’t done enough while he’s been gone. Oh and I spoil our kids. I’m sorry, but just because I don’t hit them and scream at them like you do, doesn’t mean I “spoil” them. Oh and maybe if you didn’t do that they might actually like you. But you know you do you. I’ll keep taking care of MY kids because that’s what I do.